How I work
Love is a behaviour, not just a feeling.
Feelings can be tremendously fickle, and can change with circumstances. Love is a commitment and involves daily choices and actions. Almost everything I do in the room comes back to that.
How I work
Honest, and kind about it.
I’m practical, down to earth and engaging. I won’t let a conversation spin: if we’re going round in circles, I’ll interrupt, kindly. I’m engaged, not a blank slate, and I find it useful to share some information about myself, within reason.
Arguing isn’t the problem. How you argue is.
It is very normal for couples in long‑term relationships to argue, and arguing in itself is not an issue. A partnership involves two people with different emotions, concepts and values, and these need to be negotiated regularly. The trouble starts when the argument becomes about being “the winner”, not about connection and resolution. What you want is for your relationship to win. That’s where a third person in the room helps: I can make sure everyone is behaving well enough for real communication to happen.
From Why arguing in front of your counsellor may be a good idea and When fighting isn’t working: how to make it work
Own it, then share it.
Identify what is going on for you, own it and then share it. Brené Brown talks about “the story we tell ourselves”. So much of the hurt between two people comes from the story we tell about the other person’s intentions. I often tell clients it is like having a train in our head that has left the station and is heading for another station. We need to slow down the train, or stop it, or send it to another station. We work with accountability, not blame.
From How your low self‑esteem affects your relationship and Do the washing!
Be your own best friend.
Humans were never meant to be perfect. We are flawed by nature, and that’s what makes us so wonderfully human. When I’m struggling, I ask myself what I’d say to my best friend in the same place, and then try to treat myself with the same gentleness. Beating yourself up won’t help you move on. And I always say: you eat an elephant one bite at a time.
From Perfectionism and its traps and Why procrastination harms you
Hope, held alongside honesty.
I can’t promise you an outcome. People who manage stress well can hold hope and reality at the same time. Sometimes the path is remembering why you fell in love and learning to stay intentional. Sometimes it’s understanding why you need to separate, and how to do that well. Either way, you’ll leave with more than you came in with.
Sharon
Make an enquiry
Take the first step.
Tell me a little about what’s going on, as much or as little as you like. I’ll respond within 2 business days.