How your low self‑esteem affects your relationship
Self‑esteem shapes how you ask for support, and how your partner responds.
We know that if you have a poor sense of self-esteem, you often feel less valued within a relationship. But we also now know that your self-esteem correlates with how you indirectly communicate to your partner, and often with what their response will be.
Researchers published a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicating that couples pick up more than words from each other’s communication.1 They surveyed 176 couples, measuring self-esteem, insecurity, and levels of closeness and intimacy. Each person was asked to name one thing they would like to improve about themselves, and then to share that goal with their partner while being observed.
Couples with lower self-esteem often used ineffective, indirect or passive behaviour while communicating: sulking, whining, showing sadness. When they asked for support that way, it drew negative responses from their partner: criticism, disapproval, blame. And the partner’s response was then read as low responsiveness or rejection: “you don’t care about me”.
Couples who used more direct styles (asking for help, taking personal responsibility for their own emotions) found their partners were more attentive and caring towards them. A partner can notice when someone is owning their own issues, and tends to respond kindly and supportively. That correlates with healthy self-esteem, or with being in a relationship that builds it.
The key message? Identify what is going on for you, own it, and then share it. Your partner may then be able to be more sensitive when your behaviour is poor, name it, and have a good conversation with you about what is really going on.
