Do the washing!

II read an article recently about how judging your partner’s intentions affects the satisfaction you feel as a couple. It was interesting, because it made me reflect on a recent weekend with my husband. I’ll come to that in a second.

What the research found was that the assumptions we make about our partner (whether they did or didn’t do something) form what is called an attribution pattern. It comes down to whether you judge your partner’s behaviour by jumping to conclusions, or by thinking through their possible reasons. Brené Brown talks about “the story we tell ourselves” in a situation.¹

If we judge our partner in a more positive light, and look at their mistakes through the lens of not intending harm, the relationship can be more positive and we get through issues with more success. If we judge their intent as deliberate and harmful, we have far less success working out a plan.

Here is my example. The other week I came home from a day in my therapy rooms expecting to find the washing piled up in front of the machine. It was a Saturday, which is when we normally do the washing, and generally whoever is home gets it rolling. On this day I came home to the sheets still on the bed, the washing still in the basket, and the house quiet and empty.

There are two ways I can look at that:

1. He is lazy, out on the town having a fantastic day off while I am working, and he expects me to do the washing when I get home. Which means he is not a good person.
2. Or: something has come up that is of value to him, and he still intends to put the washing on when he gets back. He is still a good person.

I would like to tell you I was thinking of number two. In reality I was thinking of number one as I walked through the door. The story I was telling myself was “he just expects I’ll do it, and he doesn’t care whether I’m tired”. After a phone call I discovered why he was out, that he fully intended to do the washing when he got back, and that I was to make myself a cup of tea and sit down.

“It is like a train that has left the station and is heading for another one. We need to slow the train down, or stop it, or send it somewhere else.”

Some questions to help you get to the better option:

1. Look at your partner’s intent: were they deliberately trying to hurt you, or to be selfish?
2. Does this one episode really say your partner is of bad character?
3. Is this normal behaviour for them?

It is so easy for our brains to head to places we need to stop them heading. I often tell clients it is like a train that has left the station and is heading for another one. We need to slow the train down, or stop it, or send it somewhere else, and we do that by asking ourselves some questions.

Next time, I am going to ask myself these before the phone call.