Why arguing in front of your counsellor may be a good idea
Arguing isn’t the problem. How you argue is, and a third person in the room can change it.
It is very normal for couples in long-term relationships to argue, and arguing in itself is not an issue. Conflict is necessary: a partnership involves two people who will have different emotions, concepts and values, and those need to be negotiated regularly. The issue is how you argue.
If one partner becomes negative in the conflict and the other links into that negativity, the conflict escalates quickly. The couple goes around and around the issue and can never seem to find their way out. They often stop arguing about the issue at all, because they are playing the person rather than the problem, and each sees the other as a threat. The argument becomes entirely about being the winner, and not about connection or resolution. That is the point at which it becomes damaging.
In 2014, researchers from three universities in the United States (Stanford, the University of California, Berkeley, and Northwestern) looked at how couples could bring down the energy and behaviour in the middle of conflict.1 They found that couples who could keep their negative energy and behaviour managed tended to have more resilient relationships.
Sometimes working things through on your own doesn’t go well. There are times when you have gone around an issue so many times that you can’t see it clearly any more. It is often worth seeing a professional at that point. We are able to bring out the issues inside the argument clearly. Acknowledging the pain and hurt matters, but without letting it become a shouting match. The third person in the room can make sure everyone behaves well enough for communication to actually happen.
If you would like to talk about couples work, make an enquiry.
