When fighting isn’t working: how to make it work
Conflict happens in healthy relationships too. Three things couples who use it well tend to do.
When there is conflict in a relationship, we often feel there is something wrong with the relationship, or something wrong with us. That is not necessarily true. Conflict is a way to enable change and to work through the issues that invariably come up when two people are trying to share a life. Conflict happens in healthy relationships and in toxic ones. The difference is that people in healthy relationships use conflict to grow together, and don’t shy away from the tough stuff.
So how do people in healthy relationships (note, not perfect relationships) use conflict to bring them together?
Keep the big picture in mind
In an argument that is going pear-shaped, you find both people beginning to want to win at all costs, and to make their partner feel as bad as possible. Recognising that the shift has happened in yourself, and stepping back to look at the big picture, is always a good idea.
What you want is for your relationship to win, and for both of you to feel a sense of ownership and compromise. Identify what you want to get out of the discussion, and what someone else would say if they were watching.1 Would it change how you were going about it?
Practise communication through the drive-thru
A good fast food drive-thru operator confirms your order by reading it back to you, and ends with “is that correct?”, which lets you confirm whether it was heard properly.
This works well in an argument. One partner says what they are feeling or thinking; the other repeats it back and asks whether what they heard was right. Each of you can be sure that what you feel has actually been heard. It also slows the argument down and helps it stay on track towards an outcome that works for both of you.
Have a break
Sometimes there is no resolution, and you feel like you have hit a brick wall, or the argument has become personal and volatile. Time out helps. Twenty to thirty minutes to calm down and breathe lets each of you reset. Going for a walk or listening to some music is ideal: it brings your heart rate down and gives you space to process.
Researchers have shown that a break of more than twenty minutes lets a couple restart the discussion constructively. There is often more humour in it afterwards, and more empathy for each other.
Good luck, and enjoy becoming more productive in your conflict.
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