Positivity tools to help your relationship
Four things to remember and practise together, best done by both of you at once.
In an article on the Psychology Today website, Dr Forrest Talley wrote about some of the key things required to understand and promote a healthy marriage or partnership.1 I was researching positive strategies that couples in therapy could try together at the time, so I have gathered his concepts into four keys to remember and practise. It is always better if both people in the relationship can work on this together. I have added some questions you might use to check how you are going.
1. Neither of you is perfect
You are a human being with flaws, and so is your partner. Navigating a relationship as two flawed people takes self-compassion (around self-care and your own negative thinking) and empathy for your partner as they struggle with their own things. Constant communication about your own struggles, and the ones you face as a couple, is crucial. So is having grace for each other’s flaws and mistakes. You might be dealing with a short fuse and your partner with procrastination. Neither is greater than the other.
- What can you ask your partner to find out what they are struggling with at the moment?
- How can you support them in the middle of it?
- What does empathy look like to your partner?
2. Your partner can never complete you
You are not a complete human yet; life is a process of adding more parts in order to become a more fully formed one. Your partner was never meant to be the whole answer. You often hear it in songs: “he completes me”, “I am only half of me without him”. Your partner has a role in helping you form a more whole you, alongside friends, family and colleagues. They may know you better than anyone and can help you see your strengths and challenges honestly. But only you can complete you.
- What pressure do you place on your partner to fix or cover your issues?
- What can you do to support your partner?
- What do you need to improve as a person, a partner, a parent, a friend?
3. A relationship is like a bank account
You invest in it and you get returns out of it. That means being intentional about putting time, energy and space in: communication, dates, fun, and working together on something, whether that is parenting, renovating, or a hobby you share. What comes out is connection, intimacy and honest communication.
- What are we investing, and how often?
- Are we intentional about time together?
- What outcomes would we like to see?
4. Love is a behaviour, not just a feeling
Feelings are fickle. They change frequently, and circumstances alter them. Love is a commitment, and it involves daily choices and actions. Let’s be honest: you don’t always feel deeply in love, just as you don’t deeply enjoy heading to the supermarket to stock the fridge. You can’t rely on the feeling, because the fridge does need supplies in it, and you shop whether you feel like it or not. Relationships are the same: your feelings won’t always be happy and loving, and your commitment requires that you keep working at it.
- How do I express love to my partner?
- What choices can I make daily to show my partner how I feel?
- How can I make good choices no matter how I feel?
Please don’t read this as a judgement about what you may or may not be doing well. It is a check, and a look at what you would like to work on. If your goal is improving the way you communicate, connect and work together, then checking in regularly is useful. And if you find you need help, ask for it.
